9 Ways To Create A Rod For Your Own Back

Nobody wants to create a rod for their own back. Ugh God forbid your children actually grow up to feel safe and well attached to their parents. What kind of world would that be?

The downside to creating a rod for your own back is your child or baby MAY be a happy and content baby who’s needs are met. But we all know how awful that is, we want independent babies who will happily sit in their bouncers for 6 hours a time whilst we crack on with more important things like housework and watching Jeremy Kyle.

However, for those weird parents who WANT to create a rod for their own back. Here are some tips you should follow. Do not take these lightly, I know how hard it is to respond to your babies needs, those selfish pesks. Ugh, God help us.

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  1. As soon as your baby so much as whimpers you must run to them flapping your arms about shouting ‘I’M COMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!’
  2. Buy one of those strappy pouch things that you put on your chest and your baby sits in it. (Some people like to call these slings or carriers, I call them rod-makers) Your baby must stay in this ALL day for the first year of their life.
  3. Buy one of those bed extender thingys, or better yet SHARE YOUR BED WITH YOUR BABY. I know, I know. This will 100% effect your sex life and you will never have rumpy pumpy with your partner again but if you want a rod, then you need to do this.
  4. Breastfeed. *shudders* We all know that breasts were made for men to ogle at and are only sexual but in order to become a committed rodder you will need to feed your baby from your breasts.
  5. If for some reason you cannot wear a rod-maker (sling/carrier) then you must keep baby close to you at all times. A pram is simply not good enough, I recommend putting them in your handbag.
  6. Feed them on demand. This one is really hard to get used to. After all, they should only be hungry when our schedule says so. But whenever they show their feeding cues you need to feed them. I recommend a cheese baguette if you want to keep them fuller for longer (or create life-long digestive issues)
  7. DO NOT let anyone babysit. AT ALL. No. No. No. They must be with you at all times in order for your rod to be super shiny. Want to go out for a meal with your friends? Tough titties. Want to send them to school? I’m sure Mrs Smith doesn’t mind you sitting at the back of the classroom.
  8. Baby led wean. Let them feed themselves their food. This is really inconsiderate of them to be honest, taking 30 minutes to eat their jam on toast can be tedious but stick with it. *Warning, baby led weaning can lead to awful things such as positive and healthy attitudes towards food*
  9. Respond to them at night time. I tried this once. Never. Again. I mean, don’t these babies realise that parenting is only a 12 hour job?! Once the clock strikes 7 my hours are over and they must tend to themselves until 7am. So if your baby dares to wake up during the night in order for their needs to be met you must respond to them.

 

 

I hope these top tips have helped you create a better rod for yourselves. Good luck for the next 40+ years, hopefully they would have finished breastfeeding and bedsharing by then but don’t count on it.

Don’t put your baby away, rod today!

Happy rodding!

 

 

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25 thoughts on “9 Ways To Create A Rod For Your Own Back

  1. Lol your post kinda reminded me of Tori Gabriels writing style from The Adultier Adult it was very funny and I liked your frank look at the baby rod. My favourite part was the reference to still breastfeeding them in 40 years time haha!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. After my first baby I soon learned my lesson. Have to admit that my baby carrier was a godsend but he was only in it for trips out and not all the time in the house

    Like

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