Dismantle the toddler-archy

WARNING: Please read this at the risk of your own health. May make uptight humour-lacking people gasp.

Anyone else have a very lovely, beautiful, monstrous, soul destroying little treasure  for a toddler? If your delightful cooing child has not reached this stage then ha ha ha ha ha ha good luck.

Like I love him more than words can say. He brings complete joy into my world in ways that i never thought existed and there is nothing like the bond between a mother and her child. For example he slaps and punches me and throws porridge all over me whilst demanding a DIB DIB (biscuit). I mean if it was any other kind of relationship that would be domestic abuse. But when your toddler does it they’re just ‘learning’ and ‘pushing boundaries’ and ‘being free spirited’. No Susan, my son is just an arse sometimes. I know it, you know it, fuck it, even the nice bloke in the corner shop who claims he loves seeing Freddie everyday knows he’s a little shite at the best of times. Let’s not sugar coat it.

Well I’ve had enough. Once and for all I think mothers and fathers all over the world need to take a stand and say NO we are not taking this anymore, we are the ones in charge! We will not be treated like your slaves anymore!!…. That is until we’ve had enough of their screaming and stomping that we break down in tears, throw them a packet of biscuits and hide under the duvet until all is safe and apologise to them for ever thinking that we deserve the tiniest bit of respect.

Why is is that toddlers are so unpredictable?
Me and Fred were having so much fun the other day jumping in puddles one minute and I was looking at him with such wonder and joy and then all of a sudden he was screaming at me and flipping his shit because I put my empty coke can in the wrong bin. Like sorry pal, the next bin is at least 100ft away and whilst I have you for a son I ain’t got the energy for that.

You wait til you’re a teenager buddy, revenge is sweet.


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