Go To The Beach
This will be a really lovely, relaxing day for all the family to enjoy. Im joking, you’ll be a chain smoker and alcoholic by the end of the day due to how stressful the occassion of going to the beach is with a 3 year old.
All will start quite promising, but it will end with SAND EVERYWHERE. Sand in their shoes, sand in their arse cracks, sand in your handbag that you have desperately needed to clear out for a good 4 years anyway and now you may as well ditch it on the way back to the car. Sand will be fucking everywhere.
This trip to the beach will be a reminder to you on how much you hate other peoples kids. Little Petunia will be running up and down the beach as if shes training for the bloody 10k which is all well and good and oh so very cute for her doting parents to watch but what about me?! What about when my son thinks its a very good idea to join in and i end up having to do a very large amount of exercise chasing after him.
And you Mr fucking Whippy, i have a bone to pick with you. Thanks to you, the pinterest inspired picnic that i prepared (couple meal deals from tesco and a pack of cocktail sausages) went to waste. Fuck you Mr Whippy.
Go swimming
Now i know what youre thinking; this is a safer and more confined idea than going to the beach. I also know what youre thinking; Its a lovely day today so no one will be at the swimming pool! Think again sunshine, every parent in a 20 mile radius thought exactly the same as you.
Now if youre anything like me, you aspire to be one of those mums who manage to keep their makeup pristine whilst in the swimming pool. Worst comes to worst and you have to actually do some swimming you do that doggy paddle type swim with your head fully out the water and at a right angle in an attempt to stay looking glam. Well dont fucking bother.
You will be incredibly disapointed when you walk into the pool area and see that there are children actually swimming. Well im not sure what i was expecting but it certainty wasnt this. Little Gary will be slashing up and down the pool like a fucking blue whale which will result in your eyeliner and mascara running down your face. His mother sat at the poolside looking proud as punch, little does she know that her darling Gary is RUINING LIVES lady.
Go to the toy shop
What a fab idea. And on the way to the toy shop we can stop in a few other shops to grab some stuff that we need. Not such a great idea. Infact this day will be such a disaster it would be less painful and more financially beneficial to chop your fingers off and sell them on the black market.
In an attempt to bribe your child to stay well behaved for the shopping trip prior to the toy shop you will end up buying them cheaper toys just to keep them quiet for the next 20 minutes. Oh but it gets worse, the £30 toy that you end up buying that will hopefully keep entertained for the remainder of the half term will be tossed aside as soon as you get home and they will reach for the FUCKING BUBBLES FROM POUNDLAND that you bought just to keep them quiet on the shopping trip. And they will give you a big smile and say ‘i love bubbles mummy’. Well i wish you fucking told me this before we went to Smyths mate.
So the moral of the story is, if you want to have a good half term then stock up on poundland bubbles and take them to the ice cream van occasionally.
Freddie And I 