Dismantle the toddler-archy

WARNING: Please read this at the risk of your own health. May make uptight humour-lacking people gasp.

Anyone else have a very lovely, beautiful, monstrous, soul destroying little treasure  for a toddler? If your delightful cooing child has not reached this stage then ha ha ha ha ha ha good luck.

Like I love him more than words can say. He brings complete joy into my world in ways that i never thought existed and there is nothing like the bond between a mother and her child. For example he slaps and punches me and throws porridge all over me whilst demanding a DIB DIB (biscuit). I mean if it was any other kind of relationship that would be domestic abuse. But when your toddler does it they’re just ‘learning’ and ‘pushing boundaries’ and ‘being free spirited’. No Susan, my son is just an arse sometimes. I know it, you know it, fuck it, even the nice bloke in the corner shop who claims he loves seeing Freddie everyday knows he’s a little shite at the best of times. Let’s not sugar coat it.

Well I’ve had enough. Once and for all I think mothers and fathers all over the world need to take a stand and say NO we are not taking this anymore, we are the ones in charge! We will not be treated like your slaves anymore!!…. That is until we’ve had enough of their screaming and stomping that we break down in tears, throw them a packet of biscuits and hide under the duvet until all is safe and apologise to them for ever thinking that we deserve the tiniest bit of respect.

Why is is that toddlers are so unpredictable?
Me and Fred were having so much fun the other day jumping in puddles one minute and I was looking at him with such wonder and joy and then all of a sudden he was screaming at me and flipping his shit because I put my empty coke can in the wrong bin. Like sorry pal, the next bin is at least 100ft away and whilst I have you for a son I ain’t got the energy for that.

You wait til you’re a teenager buddy, revenge is sweet.

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New year new me hun xo

So you could say i took a short break from blogging. (Nearly 2 years to be precise)
A lot of things happened. I ran out of things to write about. Life was shit for a very long time and quite frankly I had better things to do at the time like try and figure out what the flying hell I’m doing with my life. I still don’t know what the flying hell I’m doing with my life now but I’m in a job I love and  I finally bagged myself my childhood sweetheart that I’ve fancied the pants off since I was 13 and he also doesn’t really know what the fuck he’s doing with his life so it’s great and at least no one else is gonna steal him from me if we’ve both got nothing going for us. (I’m joking, you’re the best)

So my old blog posts mentioned my cute and gorgeous little baby Freddie. You will not be hearing about him anymore, you will be hearing about my emotionally abusive toddler who is also called Freddie. It’s strange as he’s practically toddler of the class at nursery. All the staff absolutely love him, he’s really popular, exceeding in most things and is a little star. For everyone except me. People say that’s because he feels safe around me to show his true colours. So I tried introducing the belt for a while to implement some scariness to see if he would start being a little star for me but social services got involved.

I joke, I joke… Oh yeah if you’re easily offended then you’ll probably want to go and read another mum’s blog about how amazing it is that so many things go well with quinoa and how if your toddler has peaked a temp then you shouldn’t give them Calpol but you should infact shout some chants from the Himalayan monks or some shite.

When Freddie was a baby I felt so lost that I desperately did everything I could to fit into a certain category. I didn’t know what that category was but they all seemed like mum’s who had their shit together so I followed them. I soon realised that no mum in the entire world has all her shit together. Some mum’s have their shit together in some ways such as being able to breastfeed their baby whilst putting a piece of Ikea flatpack furniture together and other mum’s have their shit together by making a bottle of formula for their baby at 3am whilst writing the shopping list for the week and creating an organic homemade food plan for their baby. Like way to go mum’s. You both have your shit together. I wanted to be like both of you and for a while I was. But now I just chuck biscuits at my child and hide.

I got myself into quite a palava when I realised that these mum’s online weren’t the mum’s for me. Everything I was passionate about up to that point sort of just dissolved around me. It wasn’t important to me anymore because I realised that none of it ever really mattered it was filling a void inside of me for a while. I was so caught up about researching this that and the other and worrying about what the next mum thought of me that I forgot to just enjoy being a mum and doing what I wanted and what was best for me and Freddie.

That’s what your first child teaches you for sure. That so much shit that really mattered to you when you were pregnant and your baby was little really won’t matter when you look back. All that really matters is that you never run out of biscuits and your toddlers tablet is always fully charged.

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What Freddie Wore October 2016

A few of my favourite outfits from October 2016. All my friends and family know that I take pride in what Freddie wears and I love to make sure he looks smart and unique. Today however he decided to spill a smoothie all over himself in public!

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T shirt from Little Bird Dungarees from Osh Kosh

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Shoes from Baby Zara

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T shirt from Ltitle Bird and jeans from H&M

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Raglan from Little Bird

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All in one from Tu

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Boots from Dench Deichmann Coat from Primark and Joggers from Baby Zara

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Pyjamas from Little Bird

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Vest from Little Bird Joggers from Next and Shoes from Little Bird

Being a Touched Out Mum


I wish I was one of those mums who can deal with spending every minute of every day with my child. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE spending time with Freddie when he’s not being an arse. But I can safely say that by the end of my weekend off work i am ready to run away with nothing but clothes on my back shouting ‘freedom!!!!!’

Sometimes I don’t even know how I managed before I worked when I never spent any time away from freddie. I thought I would be a bad mum if I left him with granny and pops for a few hours. But looking back now I can see that I didn’t cope very well at all and I am a much better mum now that I’ve started listening to my feelings the same way I listen to freddies.

I was always angry, teary and touched out and I would get frustrated with him so easily.  If I ever have another kid I know not to make that mistake. Fuck you society and all your standards of what being a good mum is. You know what, if I need to have a night off once in a.while in order to charge my batteries and be a better mum then that’s what I shall do and you can go fuck yourself if you don’t like it. 

The truth is; adults, kids and babies are all different. We as a society need to stop expecting all mums to fit into this one size fits all because it’s never gonna happen! 

Just because fanny Anne down the road spends every minute of every day with her 6 children and hasnt had a mental breakdown yet doesnt mean im a bad mum for losing my rag and needing time out. Because there are other times I’m splashing in muddy puddles with him, blowing bubbles, giving him kisses, making him healthy organic food for tea (after having McDonald’s for lunch ofcourse) and he knows I love him. He knows this because I tell him a million times a day, he knows this because I work my ass off for him and he knows this because I’m the only parent he’s got who hasn’t given up on him.

We give kids the opportunity of spending time away from the family home with their friends for sleepovers or even just playing in their bedroom on their own so why don’t we give ourself that opportunity without beating ourselves up? (I don’t mean playing in your bedroom by yourself… unless that’s what you want ofcourse!)

I take my hat off to the mums who don’t need time out to themselves. You are amazing and I don’t know how you do it. But I also take my hat off to the mums who admit they’re not perfect and they need time out every now and again. 

And before I get some negative Nancy comment on this; I’m not justifying leaving your newborn baby who has barely left your vag so you can go and get pissed up down your local pub. I 100% advocate spending as much time in the 4th trimester with your baby as possible as it’s such a crucial time to bond. I 100% advocate spending as much time with your kid no matter what age as possible but sometimes it is not possible when you are going to throw them head first out your fucking window. 

To all the touched out mums out there, do whatever you need to do to be the best mum you can be to your kids. They will thank you for it. 

Why Men Need Feminism Too

Why Men Need Feminism Too.pngSo, I was scrolling through Facebook last night as you do, when I saw a post from another mum on a mummy group.

She was ranting about her husband, fair enough, he sounds like a lazy ass and we all need to rant sometimes. But the comments astounded me and left me feeling sick. She was moaning about how her husband had a day off for the first time in ages and refused to go to the shop to buy her little boy some new trainers so she could take him to the park.

So, the comments.

‘Go beat him senseless with the trainers that don’t fit any more and say if he got them then you’d have no need to do this lol’. 

Yeah because domestic violence is fucking hilarious.

‘Headbutt him’

It’s funny because if your husband headbutted you then you could get a restraining order put against him and he would get charged with assault.

We don’t encourage that type of violence .. Use a phone book, it leaves no marks and doesn’t hurt you a bit’

Why is it okay for women to joke about things like this or threaten violent behaviour but if I posted on a group saying that my partner threatened to beat me with a shoe and headbutt me they would tell me to ring the police?

Violence is never okay. It is NEVER okay to lay a finger on another person’s body without their consent unless you are defending yourself. It is NEVER okay to smack a baby, to smack a child or to smack an adult.

Violent behaviour is always abuse, no matter how you sugar coat it or joke about it. It is NEVER funny.

This is why men need feminism too. Because it’s fine for a woman to joke about harming her partner but it’s abuse when a man does it.

1 in 4 women get abused in their lifetime and 1 in 6 men get abused in their lifetime. Abuse is not a joke.

 

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There’s No Such Thing As ‘Tough Love’

Heather Wolf — ‘There is no such thing as tough love. Love is kind, love is compassionate, love is tender.”

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When it comes to babies, there is no such thing as ‘tough love’.

The closest thing to ‘tough love‘ I can think of is taking control of all finances whilst your partner who is a gambling addict gets help with his addiction.

When babies are in the mix there is either responding to your babies cues or there isn’t. I hate the phrase ‘tough love’ when referring to babies as if ignoring a babies cries is in their best interest?!

Babies have no idea how to manipulate their parents, as clever as babies are they aren’t THAT clever. Sometimes they cry for attention, and that’s okay. Needing attention is as much of a legitimate need as needing a drink.

And there is TONS of research proving that ignoring your children’s cries CAN be detrimental to their health. I don’t want to hear that you left your darling Peter to cry and he turned out fine. My grandad smoked 30 cigarettes a day for most of his life and he lived until 88. Doesn’t take away the fact that thousands of people die from smoking every single day.

Older children however, I have no idea as I haven’t reached that milestone yet, but if you ever hear me say that I’m leaving my 5 year old to cry himself to sleep then I give you permission to drop-kick me in the face.

‘But the more you respond to them the more they will cry for attention’ I hear you say. Well yeah. Obviously. Is it really such an awful thing that a baby trusts their parents to answer their cries? If you ignore your babies cries then they will eventually stop crying. It doesn’t mean they no longer need cuddling or attention, it just means they know there’s no point in crying as no one is going to come.

So yes, the cry-it-out method does work, I 100% agree with you on that, it doesn’t mean its ethical, loving or right though.

Before you get your knickers in a twist, I wholeheartedly believe that there is a massive difference between chucking your baby in a cot at 7pm and ignoring them all night because YOU think they should be asleep and putting your baby in a safe place for 2 minutes whilst you calm down, cry, get your shit together or call someone over to help you on a bad day.

Humans crave attention, we all like to feel loved and wanted. When we are babies, toddlers, children and adults. It’s normal.

 

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‘Your Baby Is Healthy, That’s All That Matters’

top 10.pngAnyone who has suffered with post-birth trauma has probably had this phrase chucked at them along with a handful of other unhelpful and isolating phrases.

Yes-ultimately, giving birth to a healthy baby is the main goal, but mum’s feelings are incredibly important too. If a mum doesn’t get the birth experience she longed for, if things went wrong during labour, or even if the birth went to plan; she can still suffer with a post natal mental health illness and she has every bloody right to feel sad and mournful, even if you don’t see ‘what the big deal is’.

Every woman has the right to make an informed decision on her birth plan and if her wishes and desires are ignored, belittled or have to change in an emergency then this can have a great impact on her mental health.

For example some mums want a home birth, some mums want a water birth, some mums want an epidural, some mums opt for a caesarean due to previous birth trauma, some mums want to free birth and if their plan is hindered then it can cause feelings of failure, guilt, grief, anger, isolation and in some cases it can even make a mum feel like she doesn’t love her child. (It is important to note that just because someone is suffering with PND or post natal trauma then it does not mean they don’t love their baby or that they have ill feelings towards their baby.)

Most of the time these feelings can be resolved within weeks or months at most with the correct support, information, therapy and love. But recovery and bonding with their baby can actually be pro longed if they feel isolated and are being made to feel worse than they already do.

I asked some women online about phrases that really affected them and made them feel worse and also prevented some from seeking help as they felt ashamed and guilty.

  • “Oh, other people would kill to be in your position!”
  • “Just put him on a bottle, you’ll get more sleep and feel better”
  • “These things happen”
  • “Well, at least they let you do things the easy way with the c-section”.
  • “My friend had pnd she found going for a walk really helped”
  • “He shouldn’t be with you if you’re feeling like that”
  • “You had an easy birth compared to some people, you should be happy!”

 

Every single birth and birth plan is different and no one should be made to feel ashamed for their feelings if they didn’t have the birth they wanted.

When my son was a newborn I couldn’t even think about the emergency caesarean without crying and feeling huge pangs of guilt. I felt like I had failed him. I don’t know why I felt this as I look up to other mums who have had caesareans and think they are amazing as the healing and recovery is awful.

I remember waking up when Freddie was 2 days old, we were back home by this point and I woke up in so much pain, I couldn’t even describe it. I waddled to the toilet balling my eyes out, I felt like I couldn’t survive. Those feelings probably seem so dramatic to some people but that doesn’t make my experience any less valid.

The emergency caesarean stopped me from bonding with my son for a while and if it wasn’t for breastfeeding him then I’m not sure how long it would have taken to bond with him! I felt good knowing that he NEEDED my milk to stay alive and that’s what got me through. When he was a few weeks old an overwhelming sense of love just hit me in the face and I knew right then that I loved him more than anything.

Don’t let anyone brush your feelings aside as if they do not matter. Because they DO. You matter, your birth matters and most of all the relationship between you and your baby matters.

 

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